Parenting is one of those journeys where everyone seems to have an opinion.
There are books, podcasts, social media posts, family members, teachers, other parents and, of course, the small voice inside our own heads asking:
“Am I doing this right?”
The truth is, there is no such thing as a perfect parent. There is no parenting style that will guarantee a child who is always confident, emotionally regulated, respectful, successful or happy.
Children are wonderfully complicated human beings. They come with their own personalities, sensitivities, needs and temperaments. And parents bring their own histories, experiences, fears, beliefs and hopes into the relationship too.
Understanding parenting styles isn't about putting ourselves into a box and deciding whether we're a "good" or "bad" parent. Instead, it can give us a helpful opportunity to pause and ask:
“What does my child experience from me?”
And perhaps even more importantly:
“Is the way I parent helping my child develop the skills and emotional security they need as they grow?”
Let's explore the different parenting styles, what they can look like in everyday family life, and why the goal isn't perfection — it's connection, boundaries and repair.
What are parenting styles?
Parenting style refers to the general emotional climate and approach a parent tends to use when raising their child.
Psychologists commonly describe four broad parenting styles:
- Authoritative
- Authoritarian
- Permissive
- Uninvolved or neglectful
These categories aren't labels that define a parent forever.
Most of us move between styles depending on the situation.
A parent who is usually calm and connected might become very strict when they're frightened. A normally permissive parent might suddenly become authoritarian when they feel they've lost control. A parent who is emotionally available most of the time may occasionally withdraw when they're exhausted.
We're human.
Parenting style is therefore better understood as a pattern, rather than a permanent identity.
And that distinction matters.
Because if we look at parenting styles as fixed labels, we can become defensive or ashamed. If we look at them as patterns, we can become curious.
And curiosity is a much more useful place from which to parent.
1. Authoritative Parenting: Warmth with Boundaries
Authoritative parenting is generally considered the most balanced of the four styles.
It combines emotional warmth and responsiveness with clear expectations and boundaries.
The message underneath this style is something like:
“I love you, I understand that your feelings matter, and I am still going to set boundaries because it is my job to keep you safe and help you learn.”
This is very different from simply letting children do whatever they want.
An authoritative parent might say:
“I know you really want to keep playing, and it's disappointing that we have to leave. We're still going home now. You can be upset about it.”
Notice what is happening here.
The child's feelings are accepted, but the boundary isn't removed.
This is an important distinction.
Validation doesn't mean agreement.
We can say:
“I understand why you're angry.”
without saying:
“You're right and therefore you can do whatever you want.”
We can say:
“I know you don't want to go to school today.”
without saying:
“So you don't have to.”
We can say:
“I can see that you're furious with me.”
without saying:
“You're allowed to speak to me however you like.”
Authoritative parenting creates space for both connection and limits.
What might it look like?
An authoritative parent is likely to:
- Set clear and age-appropriate boundaries.
- Explain expectations where appropriate.
- Listen to their child's perspective.
- Allow children to experience reasonable consequences.
- Encourage independence.
- Take their child's feelings seriously.
- Maintain boundaries even when their child is unhappy.
- Apologise when they get something wrong.
- Encourage problem-solving rather than simply giving orders.
- Adapt expectations as the child develops.
Imagine a teenager coming home later than agreed.
An authoritarian response might be:
“You're grounded for a month. Don't argue with me.”
A permissive response might be:
“It's okay. Just don't do it again.”
An authoritative response might sound more like:
“I'm glad you're home safely. We agreed you'd be home by 10.30, and you didn't contact me. I was worried. Let's talk about what happened and what needs to change so we can trust you with more freedom.”
There is still a consequence.
There is still accountability.
But the relationship remains intact.
2. Authoritarian Parenting: Control, Obedience and Strictness
Authoritarian parenting tends to place a strong emphasis on obedience, rules and control, often with less emphasis on emotional responsiveness.
The underlying message can be:
“You do what I say because I am the parent.”
Rules may be very clear, but there may be little room for discussion, negotiation or consideration of the child's perspective.
Phrases such as:
- “Because I said so.”
- “Don't question me.”
- “Children should be seen and not heard.”
- “You need to respect your elders.”
- “Stop crying.”
- “If you don't behave, you'll regret it.”
can sometimes reflect this approach.
It's important to understand that authoritarian parenting often comes from a place of care and fear, rather than a lack of love.
A parent may believe:
"If I don't keep control, my child will get into trouble."
Or:
"The world is harsh, so I need to make my child tough."
Or:
"I was raised this way and I turned out okay."
There can be good intentions underneath the behaviour.
But intentions and impact aren't always the same thing.
A child who grows up experiencing a lot of control may become very obedient — but obedience isn't necessarily the same as emotional maturity.
They may learn to follow rules because they're afraid of consequences rather than because they understand why the rule exists.
Some children may become highly anxious about making mistakes. Others may become secretive, rebellious or reluctant to communicate when they are struggling.
And some simply become extremely good at saying:
“Yes, Mum.”
while thinking:
“I'm never telling you what actually happened.”
That last part is particularly important as children get older.
The goal of parenting isn't simply to raise children who obey us while they're living under our roof.
It's to gradually help them develop judgement, responsibility and an internal sense of right and wrong that can guide them when we're not there.
3. Permissive Parenting: Lots of Love, Not Enough Limits
Permissive parents are often incredibly warm, loving and emotionally responsive.
They may want their children to feel heard, accepted and free to express themselves.
The difficulty can arise when warmth isn't balanced with boundaries.
The parent may struggle to say no, enforce consequences or tolerate their child's disappointment.
For example:
“I know you should go to bed, but you're having such a lovely time. Okay, one more episode.”
Then one more episode becomes three.
Or:
“I don't really want to buy it, but I don't want you to feel left out.”
Sometimes parents become permissive because they don't want their children to experience the discomfort they experienced growing up.
They may think:
"My parents were very strict. I want my children to have more freedom."
That's understandable.
But children need more than acceptance.
They also need structure.
Boundaries help children learn:
- patience
- responsibility
- emotional regulation
- respect
- frustration tolerance
- delayed gratification
- consideration of other people
- consequences and accountability
Saying no isn't inherently harmful.
In fact, sometimes saying no is an act of love.
A child doesn't need a parent who prevents every uncomfortable feeling.
They need a parent who can sit beside them while they experience those feelings.
“I know you're disappointed. I'm still not changing my mind.”
That can be incredibly powerful.
The child learns:
“I can survive disappointment.”
And perhaps:
“Mum can handle my anger. I don't have to make her change her mind for my feelings to be okay.”
4. Uninvolved Parenting: When Connection and Guidance Are Missing
The fourth parenting style is often described as uninvolved or neglectful parenting.
This is characterised by a lack of emotional responsiveness and limited involvement in the child's life.
The parent may provide basic physical care but be emotionally unavailable, disengaged or inconsistent.
There can be many reasons for this.
Sometimes a parent is overwhelmed by their own circumstances. Sometimes they have never experienced emotionally responsive parenting themselves. Sometimes there are significant life pressures, relationship difficulties or other challenges that make consistent parenting incredibly difficult.
Understanding the reasons does not mean ignoring the impact.
Children need adults who notice them.
They need someone who asks:
“How was your day?”
“What's wrong?”
“Tell me about it.”
“I'm here.”
“I noticed you've been quiet lately.”
Being emotionally present doesn't mean being available every second of every day.
Parents are allowed to be tired.
Parents are allowed to have bad days.
Parents are allowed to say:
“I can't talk about this right now. I need ten minutes, and then I'll come back to you.”
That's very different from consistently communicating:
“Your feelings don't matter to me.”
Children don't need constant attention.
They need the experience of being seen, known and important.
So, Which Parenting Style Is Best?
If we look at the research around parenting styles, authoritative parenting tends to be associated with many positive developmental outcomes.
But I think there's something important that sometimes gets lost when we talk about this.
You don't have to become a perfect authoritative parent.
In fact, trying to be perfect can create another problem.
Imagine a parent reading an article about gentle parenting and thinking:
"I've ruined my child because I shouted yesterday."
That's not helpful.
Children don't need flawless parents.
They need good-enough parents who are willing to repair.
You might lose your patience.
You might shout.
You might say something you regret.
You might make a decision and later realise you were too harsh.
What happens next matters enormously.
You can go back and say:
“I shouted at you earlier, and I don't think I handled that well. I was angry, but shouting wasn't okay. I'm sorry.”
That doesn't undermine your authority.
It models it.
You're teaching your child:
Adults make mistakes. We take responsibility. We repair relationships.
That's a lesson far more valuable than pretending to always get it right.
The Difference Between Connection and Control
One of the most useful questions a parent can ask themselves is:
“Am I trying to control my child's behaviour, or am I trying to teach my child something?”
Sometimes the behaviour looks identical from the outside.
A parent might tell a teenager:
“Give me your phone.”
But the intention underneath can be very different.
Control might sound like:
“Because I said so. You don't deserve it.”
Teaching might sound like:
“We've agreed that your phone goes downstairs at bedtime because sleep is important. You've broken that agreement, so there will be a consequence. Let's talk about how we can rebuild trust.”
The second approach still has authority.
But it also communicates respect.
And respect is something children learn partly through experiencing it.
Children Need Boundaries — and They Need to Know They're Still Loved
One of the biggest misconceptions about emotionally responsive parenting is that it means allowing children to do whatever they want.
It doesn't.
A loving parent can say:
“No.”
A loving parent can enforce consequences.
A loving parent can expect respect.
A loving parent can say:
“You are not allowed to hit your brother.”
“The answer is no.”
“You need to apologise.”
“You can't go out tonight because you've broken the agreement.”
The difference is often how the boundary is communicated.
There is a world of difference between:
“You're a horrible child. What's wrong with you?”
and:
“I love you, but I won't allow you to speak to me like that.”
The first attacks the child's identity.
The second addresses the behaviour while maintaining the relationship.
This is one of the most important principles in parenting:
Your child's behaviour may need correcting without your child feeling that they are the problem.
What About Teenagers?
Parenting styles become particularly interesting during adolescence.
Because teenagers are no longer little children.
They're developing their own identity, opinions, values and independence.
And that can be uncomfortable for parents.
A child who once happily accepted:
“Because Mum said so.”
may suddenly respond with:
“But why?”
And then:
“That's not fair.”
And then:
“You don't understand.”
And sometimes:
“I hate you.”
It can be tempting to respond by increasing control.
But adolescence is partly about moving from external regulation to internal regulation.
Children need to gradually practise making decisions.
They need opportunities to make mistakes while the consequences are still relatively manageable.
This doesn't mean giving teenagers unlimited freedom.
It means gradually shifting from:
“I decide everything for you.”
towards:
“I'm helping you learn how to decide for yourself.”
The parent becomes less of a manager and more of a guide.
And that transition can be difficult.
Sometimes the most loving thing a parent can do is tolerate the fact that their teenager doesn't always like them.
Because our job isn't to be liked.
Our job is to help them grow.
Your Own Childhood Comes Into the Parenting Relationship
There is another piece of the parenting puzzle that deserves attention.
We don't parent in a vacuum.
We bring our own childhoods with us.
Perhaps you grew up in a very strict home.
You may now think:
"I will never be like my parents."
And perhaps you swing in the opposite direction.
Or perhaps you grew up with very little emotional support.
You may become extremely attentive to your child's emotions because you desperately want them to have what you didn't.
Sometimes, without realising it, we're not simply responding to our child.
We're responding to our own history.
A child's behaviour can activate old fears.
Their defiance may feel like disrespect.
Their sadness may make us feel that we've failed.
Their rejection may trigger feelings of inadequacy.
Their independence may make us feel unnecessary.
Becoming aware of these reactions can be transformative.
Instead of asking:
“Why is my child making me so angry?”
we can begin asking:
“What is this situation bringing up for me?”
That pause can create space between the child's behaviour and our response.
And that space is where more intentional parenting becomes possible.
There Is No Perfect Parenting Style
Perhaps the most comforting thing to remember is that parenting isn't about choosing one style and following it perfectly.
There will be days when you are patient.
There will be days when you are exhausted.
There will be moments when you hold a boundary beautifully.
And moments when you wonder why you are arguing with a twelve-year-old about a pair of socks.
There will be times when you listen.
There will be times when you react.
There will be times when you get it right.
And times when you go back afterwards and say:
“I'm sorry. I could have handled that differently.”
That is parenting.
The goal isn't to create a childhood where your child never experiences frustration, disappointment or conflict.
The goal is to create a relationship where your child gradually learns:
“My parent loves me.”
“My feelings are safe to express.”
“There are boundaries in our family.”
“My behaviour has consequences.”
“I can make mistakes and repair them.”
“I am trusted to become increasingly independent.”
And perhaps most importantly:
“Even when my parent is disappointed in something I've done, I haven't lost their love.”
That is the foundation from which emotionally healthy independence can grow.
A Few Questions to Reflect On
Rather than asking yourself, “What parenting style am I?”, try asking:
When my child is upset, do I tend to...
- Fix the problem immediately?
- Tell them to stop being upset?
- Become overwhelmed by their emotions?
- Sit with them and help them understand what they're feeling?
When my child breaks a rule, do I...
- Become very angry?
- Give in because I don't want conflict?
- Ignore it?
- Set a clear, appropriate consequence and talk about what happened?
When my child disagrees with me, do I...
- See it as disrespect?
- Feel I have to win the argument?
- Avoid confrontation?
- Allow them to have a different opinion while maintaining the boundary?
And perhaps the biggest question:
“What do I want my child to learn from this moment?”
Because every difficult parenting moment can become an opportunity to teach.
Not just:
“Do what I say.”
But:
“How do you handle anger?”
“How do you repair after hurting someone?”
“How do you cope when you don't get what you want?”
“How do you make a good decision?”
“How do you take responsibility?”
“How do you treat people you disagree with?”
Those are the lessons that follow children long after they've forgotten the particular argument about bedtime, homework, phones or messy bedrooms.
Parenting Is a Relationship, Not a Performance
Perhaps we need to take some of the pressure off ourselves.
You don't have to be the perfect parent.
You don't have to respond perfectly every time.
You don't have to eliminate every difficult emotion from your child's life.
You don't have to get every decision right.
What children need is a relationship where there is enough warmth, safety, structure, consistency and repair for them to grow.
Sometimes that means holding them close.
Sometimes it means saying no.
Sometimes it means listening.
Sometimes it means stepping back.
Sometimes it means allowing them to make a mistake.
And sometimes it means looking your child in the eyes and saying:
“I got that wrong. I'm sorry. Let's try again.”
Because perhaps one of the greatest gifts we can give our children isn't a perfect childhood.
It's the experience of being loved while they learn how to become themselves.
And perhaps one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves as parents is permission to keep learning too.